Enlightened Moment

Dear Diary,

There is a moment or moments in everyones life when they are defined.

One could juxtapose that the same is true when it comes to Enlightenment.

Consider quite the opposite: Consider that an ‘Enlightenment Moment’ may cause someone to undefine who they are…

One summer afternoon, I was working intensely for most the day and decided to take an afternoon nap to rejuvenate my body, mind and spirit. It was such a magnificent day, the sky was a vivid pure blue, alive with dancing clouds.

Instead of flopping into my cozy bed I decided to slide open one of my french doors and lay on my floor, as to not miss the show in the sky.  At first I lay on my stomach and prop my arms over my pillow to look out, but I began to get uncomfortable and it hurt my neck.  So I turning over, lying on my back with my feet away from the french doors and my head to the very edge of the opening.

Try and imagine my view…

Here I am, lying on my back with my head looking up to the sky.  The lower half of my view is the ceiling of my room and roof of my house and the upper half of my view is the sky with the clouds rolling by.  It is a magical because it looks as though the clouds are flying from my roof across the sky, away from my house.

I fall in love with the clouds, their beauty, their dance in the sky, their textures,  each one was so unique.  They reminded me of my thoughts that roll through my mind, some stay, some expand and others just keep drifting by with little consideration.  They also remind me of my relationships;  Some are gifts that drift through and others remain, impacting my entire existence and way of being.

As I experience the clouds I begin to remember a speech that Warner Earhart gave on quantum physics and how it influenced communication.  After talking about the concept, Warner wanted to give an experiential destiction to the concept, so he asked for a volunteer from the audience.  He stood about 10 feet away from the gentleman that had volunteered and asked, “Where are you?”  The guy said very timidly, because he knew the answer was most likely not usual, “Here.”  Warner proceeded to ask again, “Where are you?”  The gentleman proceeded again, “Over here?”  After multiple answers, Warner said, “Consider that you are over here, where I am.”  The point was to postulate that who we are, is who the other person views us as and how they hold us in this universe.  We become and have different ways of being depending on each relationship.

So as I lay there, on the floor of my bedroom, and began to experience the clouds as they experienced me.  In that moment the entire universe shifted.  The clouds were no longer streaming by, as my home stood still.  Rather the clouds lay steady and my house began to move.  They say that the earth rotates approximately 800 miles per hour.  The image shifted in that instant, instead of the clouds rolling across the sky my house, myself and the earth began to rotate. The clouds lay still. The perception that the clouds were rolling by was an illusion.

My revelation, in that moment, was pure bliss.  My awareness of my agreement that everything good, bad, happy, sad, yin and yang, life and death where all working exactly in accordance with my perception, what I agreed to.

And then it began…

Some source beyond my comprehension emerged in a gut wrenching laughter beyond anything I had known. I began to laugh from the core of my soul, from the core of the universe.  The laugh was drenched with tears of joy, as it released all fears and resistance.  I lay there laughing hestaricly for what seemed like an eternity, displacing all time and space.  It was if I were laughing with the Gods. I had just been told the punch line to the ultimate joke of this universe.  A big joke. I had agreed to all of it.  In fact, in some sick demented way, I was in charge of all of it all.  A co-creator with God and all human beings.  An omnipresent matrix that no human mind could ever comprehend.  Enlightenment could not be found in a book. It could only be experienced.


One Definition of Enlightenment: Spiritual enlightenment means to obtain a spiritual revelation or deep insight into the meaning and purpose of all things. The ultimate goal of this spiritual development is the liberation from the system of earthly suffering, which includes the idea of spiritual enlightenment.

What if….

The pursuing of ‘spiritual enlightenment’ is the the exact thing that is keeping you suffering?

Rarely anyone writes about Buddha and how, after attained enlightenment under the lotus tree and preaching for years, reverted back to self indulgence.  Govinda, his ultra ego and best friend brought his attention to his humanness and relativity.  Govinda posed the question that Enlightenment may be unattainable as something to be had.  Maybe, enlightenment can only to be experienced like a cloud that rolls by.

Eckart Tolle speaks of Enlightenment as only accessible via the present moment.  He says that your perception of enlightenment is the exact thing holding you back from it.  He says that by categorizing it into a goal, one automatically tells the brain to put it into the future.  To define enlightenment as something to ‘obtain’ objectifies it, as something to be had. Enlightenment is a way of being, perceiving, experiencing.

So get mad at the teacher that is telling tales of enlightenment, for their preaching may be the exact thing holding you back from it.

The paradox of enlightenment for me has been humbling, just when I  think I am beginning to understand the state of enlightenment I am tested to no avail.  But the real paradox of enlightenment is that I wouldn’t have it any other way! After all, how cruel would it be to live completely in a state of enlightenment among so many that are unawakened.

“The mist that drifts away from dawn, leaving but dew in the fields, shall rise and gather into a CLOUD and then fall down into rain” – The Prophet

So I will lay and witness the clouds and let go of all knowing….

All my love, e

*My Story: “A Miraculous Moment”

Dear Diary,

“A Miraculous Moment”

It is perhaps the most important question we could ask ourselves…

And possibly the most difficult to answer….

Who am I?

There’s a moment, possibly, in everyones life when they are defined

My moment was 16 years ago…

There I was in the middle of a cold dark room

The mortician said he would give me a moment to myself, as he closed the door

I swallowed

In the middle of the large dark room with red drapes and dime lighting was a hospital bed

And on the bed lay my tiny babies body

I walked slowly to him, I looked down

He was gone

It was just his body

His spirit was gone

Every sadness I had ever known

Every feeling of abandonment and pain weld up in my throat

I was alone

I cried from the depths of my soul

I never felt so alone, so abandoned, so empty

It was pure hell

And in that moment a miracle happened…

I realized that my baby was not his body

He was a spirit

The body was still there, but he wasn’t.

In that moment I realized who I was

I am a spirit

I am an expression of creation, an expression of love

And without another human being (spirit) I am nothing (no thing)

I am a miracle

Who am I?

Who are you?

Wikipedia:  A miracle is an unexpected event attributed to divine intervention.

And so I invite people to open your eyes to the miracle that they are…

Life is a miracle

300 sextillion stars

The sun, the moon and even mars

The mountains, trees and the 7 seas


The birth of a child shows

Rainbows in daylight glows

Rest assured in order for you to be conceived 111 million other sperm had to die

The rest is simply lie

Or better yet the miracles of man’s creations:

Flying high, up in the sky (The Airplane)

Surpassing all time and space on the Digital Highway (The Internet)

Surfing for love in hyper space for total embrace

Experiencing someones emotions in the pitch of their voice of that beautiful song

Walking into a room and switching on a light , in the middle of the night

It seems like pure delight

But the real miracle is love

Two spirits colliding in the dance of life

Life is a miracle

Would people recognize themselves if they saw who they truly were?

A miracle

I stand here now 16 years later after giving birth to my baby that died inside of me one cold winter day.

And I hear my 15 year old son say the sweetest words a mom could hear:

I asked him if there was anything I could do to make his life better.

His reply, “Mom, there is nothing I would change about my life.  It is perfect, but could we order french fries instead of a side salad with the burger?”

Now that is a miracle.

I was defined in that moment….16 years ago

I made a choice….Free will

I choose life

I choose love

I choose to be the one that never abandons any one

I choose to never take a moment for granted with my loved ones

I choose to see this life as the extraordinary miracle that it is

And so I thank God

I am honored to be a part of this group of such amazing human beings…The Human Race

They are great spirits

You are a miracle!

*The Paradox of Pain

Dear Diary,

I need to talk to you about a very personal matter.  I am praying for your help regarding my calling in life.   My burning desire and calling in life is to help take away the ‘pain’ for all of mankind.  You know, the pain that lingers underneath it all.  The feeling of abandonment.  The feeling that lumps up in your throat and tells you, “something is wrong.”  It is the separateness. The lack of love.  I have felt that pain many times.  I have felt it one time lying in bed, contemplating living or dying.  I have felt it during meditation, going so deep into the collective consciousness, where I got in touch with the same pain that burdened by grandmother and her grandmother.  I have felt it when I thought the love of my life was gone forever.  I felt it when I went to the mortuary and said my final goodbye to my stillborn son.  God, I know that pain.

It seems like it is always there, just hidden from my view.  Smeared over by the facade of life’s rationalizations and current diversion of bliss, but it is still there, waiting to rear its head.  I’ve tried to cope with that pain.  I’ve tried all kinds of destructive measures in hopes that I could be diverted away from confronting it.  I’ve tried to deny its reality, only to realize that the coping mechanisms only made it persist.

Today, I realized that exact pain is what I am most grateful for.  It is my driving force to be connected, to make a difference.  It is my driving force to live, breath and love.

In the book… MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING by Viktor E. Frankl is a book about the memoirs of a psychiatrist about Nazi death camps and its lessons for spiritual survival.  He says,”We cannot avoid suffering, but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward.” The book has the conviction that the primary human drive is not pleasure but the pursuit of what we find meaningful.  He declares to find significance in the very act of living.

The paradox of pain resides in its transcendence to pleasure.  Maybe, just maybe, it is not our pain that hurts us, but what we choose to do with it.  How we cope with it. How we choose to overcome it.

Maybe, one day we will no longer have pain and we will experience Enlightenment. Maybe one day I will fulfill my calling and all of Mankind will be enlightened.

But until then I will keep trekking down the road of enlightenment, I am humbled by my truth that until all of Mankind is enlightened I will never be entirely pain-free.  Until we are all enlightened, I would never give up my pain for anything.

And so I declare,”All for one, one for all ……”

All my love, e

The Road Less Traveled

Dear Diary,

It seems in life there are many ‘road blocks’ or tests that we are faced with.  It is as if these ‘road blocks’ are tests to see what we are committed to and how committed we really are.  I came upon one today.   For a moment I wanted to get angry.  I wanted to give up, but then I remembered what I was committed to. I remembered a time when I would have had another name for it…..I would have declared it a problem, but today, with the grace of God, I experienced it differently.  Today, what I would have considered a breakdown occured to me as a breakthrough.  It was as if the universe is guiding me, but not in a predictable way….

I visualized walking down a road, only to realize it was a dead end street, but just as I got to the end of the road I realized there was a side street that took me to an even better road.  ‘A ROAD LESS TRAVELED’.  A scenic route.  I heard your words within me, “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

I’d get specific in what the ‘road block’ was, but I am quite sure you have better things to do than think about my trivial details….so I will spare you and leave it in a conceptual manner.  It seems that you mostly conceive in broader concepts versus tangible B.S. (excuse my french). I desperately hope you also have a good sense of humor!

It seemed ironic because I had just completed a ‘DEPROGRAMMING’ process two days ago.  Here is the end phenomenon I experienced:

“I realized there is no such thing as a problem.  It is made up. Solving a problem comes from lack and usually results in more problems. In fact, most people are defined by there problems or lack of….”trivial” or “unstoppable.”  I realized that I have always been the source of my problems.  My biggest cognition was being able to fully look at how I am constantly trying to change people instead of ‘as-ising’ them and accepting them as they are.  One can have a communication in order to have agreement with someone, but one can not keep an agreement for someone else.  I choose to be unstoppable in the face of ‘no-agreement.’  I also realized that procrastination has been the biggest source of what I once considered problems.  I was not taking action by either not fully looking at the problem or choosing to simply not address the problem. Resistance and procrastination seem to be the source that holds something as a ‘problem.’ I am free from problems!”

Now I get to look at what I am committed to……Period.  I am free!


*The Truth Shall Set You Free..

Dear Diary,
I guess when I am writing you, I am actually writing to myself, my real self, my higher self, my all knowing self…..God. I wanted to write today to set some clear communication down so that you knew what I was talking about when I refer to a couple different things. So here it goes..

The way I see it is there are TWO parts of my spirituality:
1. The first is removing all my programmed human behavior which allows the reveling of my TRUE SELF, my HIGHER SELF…..GOD
2. The second is communication with God, Messages from God, Collective Consciousness, Channeling.

When I refer to the first part I will refer to it as ‘DEPROGRAMMING.’
When I refer to the second part I will refer to it as ‘CHANNELING.’

I was hoping that you would give me a sign or some kind of revelation if this is not the case!

So anyway…
Today I was working on ‘deprogramming.’ I was doing a process where I have cognitions regarding ‘having to look good.’ I realized how much time and energy people spend on looking good. I even thought about how the common denominator in plane crashes have to do with pilots not wanting to look bad by sounded too aggressive or scared via their communication. This is crazy. So I began to take a look at what people do in order to look good, but then I realized maybe the real question is “What would you do in order to not look bad?”

Would you justify what you did in order to not look bad?
Would you make someone wrong in order to not look bad?
Would you lie in order to not look bad?
Would you protest what someone could expose in order to not look bad?
Would you suppress from saying or doing something in order to not look bad?

It takes so much effort to maintain looking good and not looking bad. Why would someone not want to look bad? Maybe they are insecure? Maybe they are afraid to actually have to be seen as they are? Maybe Christ was trying to do us a favor when he said, “He died for our sins?” Maybe he did this to relieve us from guilt? Maybe it is the guilt that has us trying to not look bad?

And so I ask a more causative question, “How do we stop needing to not look bad?”
Tell the truth came to mind…
I once heard someone say, “The first time you lie it is easy, but then it gets harder and harder. Versus, the first time you tell the truth it is hard and then it gets easier and easier.”

My favorite saying is….”The truth shall set you free!”

I guess taking a look at ourselves may be the hardest truth to confront! In fact, it is so hard to confront that most people choose to not even see it at all. Most of us have blinders when it comes to seeing the way we are being. The outcomes we are having in our lives are directly related to the way we are being.

The funniest thing, possibly, is that all of our aberrations, anti-survival, destructive, character flaws, non-loving behavior may be the biggest LIE of all.

All I know….
LOVE is all I know, the rest seems to be a lie!

All my love, e

*One Day

Photo - Earth

Today, through our Daily Spiritual Practice, we affirm…

Love is all I know, everything else is a lie.

One day….
One day I will know
I will know who I am
And possibly, one day I will understand life, in all its glory
I believe enlightenment is understanding
Understanding we agreed to everything
We chose everything
I choose life, in all its glory
I felt like the cause for the first time in many moons
Today was a glimpse with pure delight
I understand
I know
As I rode along the coast, at sunset, with the wind gently caressing my face
I felt like I was that 6 year old girl again, peddling toes with embrace
Full of life, love, vitality and an abundant tomorrow
Not a worry in the world, not a glimmer of sorrow
I swayed the handle bars making an ‘S’ motion with my bike as it cruised down the little hill
“I am” I thought as I witnessed the sun drown in glory
I understand
I am