20 Years Ago….

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20 Years Ago…

There is a moment in life where something happens, and life as you know it completely alters, your entire perception of everything transforms. That moment for me was 20 years ago. There I was in the middle of a cold dark room. The mortician said he would give me a moment to myself, as he closed the door. In the middle of the large dark room with red drapes and dim lighting was a hospital bed and on the bed lay my tiny babies body. I walked slowly to him, looked down, but he was gone. His body was already decaying from being in formaldehyde for almost 24 hours. I had come to the mortuary house to pick out his urn and say my last goodbyes. See it had been less than two days since he stopped moving in my belly. I had gone to the doctors just to make sure everything was ok, turns out it wasn’t. The nurse had put the ultrasound on my 9 month pregnant belly and looked at the monitor and realized the heart was not beating. I didn’t even cry, the shock put me straight into denial. The nurse immediately called the doctor and told me to meet him over at the hospital. When I got there he did further tests to confirm that my baby had died. He looked at me and asked, “Would you like to be induced into labor or would you like to go home and have the labor begin naturally?” “Oh my God,” I thought, “My baby has died and I now I have to give birth to his dead body!”

Four hours later I gave birth to my son’s body. The protocol for ‘stillbirths’ in the hospital was for the parents to grieve as much as possible, so they suggested that we bathe our baby, dress our baby and take pictures of our baby.  Six hours later we drove home without our baby.

So there I stood the next day, all alone, just me and my baby’s body in a dark room.  My throat tightened up with a lump of pain that seemed to hold the grief of the entire Universe. I stood there hopeless, feeling like God had abandoned me. “Why!?” I cried. “How could God be so cruel!?” The tears streamed down my cheeks, like rivers. My heart broke into a million pieces. Gravity took over my body like weights in my clothes. As I stood over his little body I realized he was gone. I would never meet him. He would never suck on my breast or wrap his entire hand around one of my fingers. He was gone. Neither devastation nor hopelessness couldn’t begin to describe how I felt. I cried and cried and cried, but then, like a flash of light, a miracle happened!

I realized that my babies body was still there in that room, but he wasn’t. I realized he was not his body, he was a spirit. In that moment, I realized I am a spiritual being. In that moment I had revelation. One can conceptually understand that we are not our bodies, but I got it on an entirely different level of ‘knowing.’ The fact that there was a whole lot more going on in this life than the one I had been living, hit me like a ton of bricks and in that moment, I committed to discovering my true essence of my spirituality.

The Quest 

They say, the hardest things we ever go through become the biggest blessings of our lives. This was exactly the case, I began the most amazing journey of my life.  It sent me on an intense spiritual quest to figure out what this life was all about, who I truly was and what the meaning of life was. Little did I know that I was about to embark on the greatest journey of my life, discovering who I truly was, how the Universe worked and our Divine Nature. I was about to discover a life beyond anything I had known.

It has been 20 years ago, today since my awakening in the morticians house.  It’s been 20 years that I’ve been on my spiritual quest, studying with geniuses and crackpots around the world, taking almost every spiritual class, workshop and seminar I could find, reading every book I could get my hands on, meditating for hours and days at a time.

Today, I no longer call it a quest because I am no longer trying to figure it out or find answers out there.  Today, I know who I am.  I know why I am alive and what my particular specific calling is.  Today, I have Divine meaning to my life.   Today, I have a 19 year old son, who is the most amazing beautiful person I know.

My invitation to you is to keep seeking and you shall find.  There are answers.  There is a guru inside of you that contains the wisdom of the entire universe.  You have a Divine Unique Calling and Expression within.  I invite you to join me, as we Awaken The Divine With!

What a journey!  Standing in that dark cold room, I couldn’t have ever imagined in a million years that I would be a non-denominational minister and spiritual teacher of Divine Principle and the Universal Laws.  Wow, what a miracle that baby boy was…

I am so blessed!   Love, e

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