It had been over 17 years since I stood there staring at my baby’s body in that mortuary. All alone, just me and my baby’s body. He was gone. I had given birth to his little still born body the day before. His body looked limp, no spirit, no life, just a body lying there on that table. It was the loneliest moment of my entire life. Just me, all by myself. I felt completely abandoned. I cried that day from the depths of my soul. I cried to God….asking ‘Why’!? Asking.. How could life be so cruel? Why are we here? Who am I? What am I? What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? What do you want from me?! Tears streamed down my face….. I lost a part of me that day. From that day on I would search for the piece of my soul I lost that day. That day sent me on the biggest journey of my life…….My Spirit Journey……My Spiritual Quest.
It had been 17 years since I had been on my journey……. My Spiritual Quest.
It had been a brilliant journey, filled with miracles and revelations beyond by wildest dreams. It had been some of the hardest work I had ever done as well, giving up identities, considerations and belief systems. My path and my truth became very clear, yet more intense and challenging because the second I would veer off course my ‘spirit’ would revolt more intensely each time. The cause and effect had very clear lessons. Duality was shattered and now the only one I desperately needed compassion for was myself. I had moments of enlightenment where I laughed with the cosmos of the universe and moments of pure surrender to my human condition. I couldn’t imagine what my next revelation would be because I felt like I had experienced more than any one human being probably could handle. Until, one day….
The final question I had in my spiritual quest was my ultimate question: Am I even a soul? I had heard of ‘old souls’ vs ‘young souls’ etc. I had looked at past lives and creative potential from source. I had tapped into Divine Source and Akashic Records. But there was still an ‘unknown.’ Am I a soul? What is my soul? How am I different from other souls? If I am not my body, who am I? I knew we are God, in disguise. I knew ‘collective consciouness’ existed. But, Who was I????!!!!! Was I even a ‘spirit’?
My Identity Crisis happened when I had the revelation that we are not individual souls. Gulp! This does not have to be your truth. Just open your mind…open your heart…open yourself to this beautiful, yet devastating possibility. The final question I had in my spiritual quest was the ultimate question. I had walked the path of revelation. I had seen the beginning of time. I realized I was not this body, nor this life. I was immortal. So what was I? I began to question everything. I realized all the things I thought were true, like when we die, we are dead were misconceptions. So if those things weren’t true, what else wasn’t true? Was I even a spirit? What was answered was the ultimate answer….
It is what I consider the Holy Grail.
What is the holy grail? A cup. Something we all drink out of…..share? Yes, this exactly what I had been searching for! The answer! It was reveled to me that we are not individual souls. We believe we are individual souls because we perceive that we are individual souls. But, just as I perceived I was this body, I hadn’t looked close enough.
The paradox of life and the paradox of spiritually is that the moment you experience a miracle you also experience the harsh reality. The moment you realize you are God, in disguise…..you realize how insignificant you are. The moment you realize you are everything………..you realize you are nothing.
The Holy Grail. The cup that we drink out of, the sprit that we believe we are is the same spirit as everyone. Divine. God. Omnipresent. We are all one. It is the hardest thing I have ever had revelation to. I had a true ‘Identity Crisis.’ Who the hell am I? Does anything matter? The journey of spirituality exposed the raw truth that I am NOTHING and EVERYTHING! The paradox left me hopeless and suicidal…a mid life crises, a bottom abyss. A broken spirit. Fuck!
Like the Buddhist say, it felt like I had literally ’emptied the bowl’!!!
I felt more empty than I ever had in my life. I felt more empty than the day I was in that funeral room with my dead baby 17 years ago. Life seemed so empty and meaningless. I wanted to die. All I could do was take one day at a time. Stay present and breath.
I remembered one conversation I had about a distinction I made regarding ‘Why Vs. How’. The distinction was when you ask ‘Why’ you are implying a negative aspect, as if you don’t know, which is faulty in off itself. And when you ask ‘How’ your mind is able to problem solve and innovate. The will and power come in the question ‘How’ always.
So I asked the question, “How can I be significant?” “How can I have meaning and purpose?” One possibility was that all one is…is what one leaves behind….children, art, healing or harm. Another possibility is that what you choose to be is what one is. Or is it ….What one expresses is what one is. Or……….What someone declares they are is what one is.
The amnesia of one life to the next is the same amnesia one has with all lives living in this world. We are simultaneously living out each persons lives right now. Hence, non-duality. Hence, I am not me until I have relativity to you. The harsh reality that I am everything is the ‘Identity Crisis’. What am I, if not to help others thrive? What am I, if not to help others create who they are? What am I, if not to guide others to their own truth?