*The Paradox of Pain

Dear Diary,

I need to talk to you about a very personal matter.  I am praying for your help regarding my calling in life.   My burning desire and calling in life is to help take away the ‘pain’ for all of mankind.  You know, the pain that lingers underneath it all.  The feeling of abandonment.  The feeling that lumps up in your throat and tells you, “something is wrong.”  It is the separateness. The lack of love.  I have felt that pain many times.  I have felt it one time lying in bed, contemplating living or dying.  I have felt it during meditation, going so deep into the collective consciousness, where I got in touch with the same pain that burdened by grandmother and her grandmother.  I have felt it when I thought the love of my life was gone forever.  I felt it when I went to the mortuary and said my final goodbye to my stillborn son.  God, I know that pain.

It seems like it is always there, just hidden from my view.  Smeared over by the facade of life’s rationalizations and current diversion of bliss, but it is still there, waiting to rear its head.  I’ve tried to cope with that pain.  I’ve tried all kinds of destructive measures in hopes that I could be diverted away from confronting it.  I’ve tried to deny its reality, only to realize that the coping mechanisms only made it persist.

Today, I realized that exact pain is what I am most grateful for.  It is my driving force to be connected, to make a difference.  It is my driving force to live, breath and love.

In the book… MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING by Viktor E. Frankl is a book about the memoirs of a psychiatrist about Nazi death camps and its lessons for spiritual survival.  He says,”We cannot avoid suffering, but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward.” The book has the conviction that the primary human drive is not pleasure but the pursuit of what we find meaningful.  He declares to find significance in the very act of living.

The paradox of pain resides in its transcendence to pleasure.  Maybe, just maybe, it is not our pain that hurts us, but what we choose to do with it.  How we cope with it. How we choose to overcome it.

Maybe, one day we will no longer have pain and we will experience Enlightenment. Maybe one day I will fulfill my calling and all of Mankind will be enlightened.

But until then I will keep trekking down the road of enlightenment, I am humbled by my truth that until all of Mankind is enlightened I will never be entirely pain-free.  Until we are all enlightened, I would never give up my pain for anything.

And so I declare,”All for one, one for all ……”

All my love, e

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